Lust, Love and Everything Else that Follows.

I recently read a saying that went something like “marry someone that loves you more than you love him.”  This struck me as strange. Love someone you love and loves you back.  The strength of your love will shift, as we ourselves shift as wild creatures.  The life experiences you face will challenge the both of you, sometimes in different ways.  Love someone you believe in and who believes in you.  We need to be challenged. Love someone who loves you at your lowest and raises you up to be your best.  And return that favor.

Lust.  I remember when a lingering kiss on my check could make my toes curl.  When my hand being held could send electric shocks through my soul.  And oh my gosh the butterflies.  And then you are in love.  IN LOVE.  What better feeling.  You are giddy with happiness.  Your brain and heart have melted together and you live in this hazy state of bliss.  Then — everything else that follows happens.  Break ups, hurt, marriage, babies.

You know what I’m talking about.  Most likely you are living it now or have lived this.  The jobs, the financial struggles, losing loved ones, fights with teenage children, there is a child in your bed every night.  Now there is a dog in your bed and there’s no milk!  Your sons’ favorite clothes are dirty. Your husband says your never give him attention.  You gain weight. You find grey hair.  You celebrate, you cry, you scream; how did you turn 40!?  You lose yourself.  You lose your way.  You find yourself.  You find your way  back. You choose the unsteady path; you are brave, you are fearless.

Now love looks different, feels different, to me.  It is no longer a sharp object with defined lines.  Love has become blurry and it is entwined with every little event in my day.  It is a good morning, a goodbye, an afternoon call and a goodnight.  It is hearing thank you and that I look beautiful.  It is thanking me for dinner and teaches our kids to do the same.

In a world where romance seems “50 Shades” dead, I still find love and romance in my life.  Every time I hug my husband I stand on my tiptoes.  And every time I stand on my tip toes he lowers himself so my feet are grounded and he bends down me.  I just realized he has been doing this for all of our time together.  Now that is romantic.

I’m really trying to be one with nature — wait what’s that noise?!!!

I’m trying, really, truly.  I am trying to be a “nature girl.”  I love the idea of being strong  and wild, in synch with what nature has to offer. Is it only the idea I love?   Maybe; I do tend to romanticize things.   I have this ever-reaching picture of myself hiking with strong legs and lungs.  Tending to my English garden, growing a vegetable garden.  Composting.  Collecting rain in a bucket to re-use.

And I have grown leaps and bounds people!  Let me just tell you, that not that many years ago I had no idea how to plant flowers.  The first time I bought a flat of Impatiens, I waited a couple of days and when I went to plant them there were silverfish scrambling – this about brought me into cardiac arrest and then I almost gave up on planting the flowers.  Now?  I simply brush them away – how bad ass is that?  Today I get dirty (ok I usually wear gloves but isn’t that just common sense?), I brush away most of the small bugs and keep planting.  I weed and water.  But I want more, I want to be more of a “nature girl.”

Here’s the thing though, I hate bugs and rodents.  And wild animals.  Ok maybe not the wild animals but they scare me.  I scare easily – and I scream and I run.  Nature girls can’t  scream at the sight of a butterfly flying towards them (in my defense it was a really big butterfly and flying right for my face!).

I also have excellent hearing.  This aids me in identifying when an animal is near.  When in a group outdoors I am vigilant in listening for anything I may have to run away from.  Let’s face it, I will leave my friends in my dust!  I will also state that I’m pretty observant, if there is something I don’t hear but someone else hears a wild noise, I can see it in their expression.

So where does this leave me?  Sigh….. it leaves me with mediocre landscaping, no vegetable garden and no fire pit that I was going to build next year.  But it also leaves me hopeful,  there is always next Spring, and I may just surprise myself!

I love a slow dance

There are a few things in life that make me feel at peace; content; sated. This is different from happiness.  Happiness finds me and I find it often.  I am blessed in many ways.

And yet there are some holes I long to fill.  Gaps, if you will, of who I am, who I can be and who I will be.  And there is longing.  Searching.  Seeking.  Here are some occasions when I feel peace and I am committed and connected to my soul.  These are moments about me and I now realize the importance of savoring and granting myself these moments.

I love to soak up the sun. Sitting in the sun, with a book or magazine, but mostly my thoughts.  The sun permeates my body, soul and mind.  I feel at peace.

I love how I feel when I get into bed and I can unwind and feel the weight of my day literally falling off of me.  Breathing deeply, my muscles become relaxed and I melt into myself.  I feel calm.

I love a good book.  I relish the times I find a good book (and luckily that is plenty) and I can sit outside or snuggle up on the couch and read.  In that moment there is nothing but the characters I’m following and the emotions they invoke in me. I feel inspired.

I love to walk outside. And walk. And walk.  By myself, with my thoughts as my company.  I feel content.

I love a slow dance.  To a great song, with my head on his shoulder, tuned in to his heart beat.  One of my arms is around his shoulder, the other is holding his hand close to our bodies so there is no separation.  He kisses the top of my head, tightens his hold on me.  He may sing along, softly, and a soft smile will spread across my face. I feel loved.

Middle-Aged in Key West!

First let’s tackle Middle-Aged.  When did that happen?  Oh yes, this year!  I still hate the term, but what else can it be called?  I am mid way through life; but is my age symbolic of the down hill battle?  I think not! And so me and my best friend and our husbands set out to Key West to prove it.

If you have never been to Key West and you are not rich enough to fly into Key West, plan on a full day of travel.  Because we were trying to prove how young we still were, we booked a 7am flight from an airport 2 hours away.  This meant we had to leave the house at 4am!  Once arriving in Miami, we had to get the rental car and drive nearly 4 hours to arrive in beautiful and hot Key West.  You have to do this; it’s part of the experience (or so they say!).  Seriously though, do it!

Once in Key West we found out that we booked a condo on the TOTAL OPPOSITE side of the happening spot aka Old Town aka Duval Street! Actually though this turned out to be ok; we just had to drive or cab it.

A few fun / tourist like things we did:

1.  Took a glass bottom boat sunset cruise.  Mind you, the first night we watched a boat come in that had a band and a bunch of passengers that were obviously having a good time.  That is not the boat we took.  We quickly learned we took the boat with no alcohol.  There were snacks…some cheese some crackers and pretzels.  Did I mention the ride was 2 hours long…..To be fair the ride was redeemed when at sunset they broke out champagne and we got to toast the gorgeous sunset over the Atlantic.  No Great White or Dolphin sighting though.

2.  House of Hemingway.  Ernest Hemingway that is.  Hemingway loved Key West and the passage to Cuba.  He lived in this house with his second wife.  It was an enjoyable tour for me.  I loved seeing his writing studio.  I’m a nerd like that.

3.  Jet Skied.  First time ever!  In the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. Gulp.  Talk about going out of my comfort zone.  We took a guided tour for 28 miles around the Island.  Our Guide was awesome.  My emotions fluctuated from extreme fear to pure joy.  It was exhausting but worth it.  One of my favorite memories.

The rest of the time was packed with walking, sweating, drinking, eating, drinking, dancing, sweating, drinking, eating and sleeping.  Pretty much in that order.  Age did not really matter.  Looking around people ranged from 21 to 60. My age was of no concern.  It was hot, hair went up right away, cares of how I looked went with my hair!  In order to stay hydrated it was imperative to stop at a watering hole with AC and then of course, to be polite, we had to buy drinks.  Ahhh….Once we were walking again, it didn’t take long until we had to stop to use the restroom which were always for paying customers, so naturally we had to buy more drinks. As you may have noticed there was a pattern.

In truth it was a pattern of full days of fun, loads of laughter and lasting memories for our friendships and marriage.  Only a couple of moments of impaired judgment (much better than when I was 22!).  Also, the truth is traveling during “middle aged” is better.  We have more money, more experience and are most definitely more wise.  And we still know how to have fun and lots of it!

Sunflower Seeds have Taken Over the World of Baseball!

Today was going to be my 10 year olds’ last baseball game.  It was cancelled…due to heavy rain and flooding fields…again.  With all this rain we may be working on an ark this weekend, but that’s a whole different topic.

What I want to write about is sunflower seeds.  With shells.  Over the last two years they have literally taken over the baseball players, parents and coaches lives, specifically during baseball season.  I worked the concession stand recently and they were one of the most popular items.  Big bags of sunflower seeds with flavors like dill, ranch, bacon (yes bacon) salt and vinegar and of course, plain.

I have to admit, I am very annoyed by these nuts and the craziness that they cause.  I mean, you literally cannot go out on the field to play or coach third base without stuffing you mouth first.  I’ve watched parents and kids have a contest on how far they can spit the shell.  Kids are fighting over them in the dugout.  Parents are “talking” with them…I can’t understand what they are saying.  They are all over the car, in pockets, I find them in the wash and when I clean out the lint of the dryer.

Although annoying, I admit I also find it comical.  I have no interest in them myself, but let’s say I’m happily annoyed that sunflower seeds symbolizes the start of baseball season, Spring (yes!), warmth, sunshine and longer days.  And watching my kids Play Ball!

My Dad was Peter Pan

Moments of really missing my Dad come out of no where.  The surprise of it sometimes takes my breath away.  For me, the last time was 3am this morning.  I woke up out of a dream and with no recognized reason a picture of my dad popped in my head.  Then, of course, I couldn’t sleep.  I took the time to go through years and years of memories, some happy, some sad.  Somehow by repeating these memories in my mind I can keep him alive or at least his memory alive.

My dad could really not be compared to Superman, Batman, Spiderman or Captain America.  Though I know he had some heroic moments in his life, the real truth is he was a lost boy.  Peter Pan.  The sad thing is I learned very little of his childhood.  I lost him when I was practically a child, though technically a young adult, I didn’t think of all the things I may want to ask.  He rarely spoke of his mother and even less of his father, they both passed away when he was in his teens.

He was a genuine lost soul and never grew up.  A kid at heart, he created many memories for me that were fun and adventurous.  As an adult I was frustrated with his lack of accountability and responsibility, but I learned to forgive him.  He did genuinely love my brother and I and was so proud of us I could see it in his eyes.  We were the best things he ever did in his life.

It’s weird the things you miss about those in your life that have passed on.  I would give anything to hear him snort with laughter – he always grabbed his nose when he laughed.  He also always chewed with his mouth open!!!  Gross dad.  He had the most awesome sense of humor and filled moments with silliness that I appreciate more as an adult than I did as a teenager.

It will be twelve years next month that he left this earth.  I kind of like the thought of him leading a pack of lost boys through the trails of adventures.  I bet he found the best walking stick ever.  Maybe he found his mother.

The “why” and the name

Ok I’ve wanted to start blogging for some time now.  The thing is,  my mind is full.  Full of stuff I don’t ever say.  Some of it may be deep; some of random, silly, foolish etc.  I’m an emotional spirit; seriously,  it’s annoying some times.

So the decision was made because let’s face it, I can’t keep on not talking.  What if I’m going to lose a great thought, a work of art, a poem in the beginning stage, or a small story that may inspire me or someone else?  Or, what if my mind just explodes from all the words and thoughts I have but that I never, ever say?

The name of my blog site “choosejoyandlove..”  was inspired by a necklace that I purchased that says “Choose Joy.”  You see I’ve always been a romantic through and through and until I really thought about what the words choose joy could mean to me, I would have said yes, 1,000 times CHOOSE LOVE.  Then I bought the necklace.  What I started thinking is love is hard…and in order to let love prevail I have to CHOOSE Joy in every situation I can.  J O Y – this small word packs a punch!  So while I’m still a die hard romantic, I am appreciating the impact of being in JOY.  So Choose JOY and LOVE!  Why not?